Waiting....
From Where Doth Mine Savior Cometh?
I have been spending time with my parents in the home where they raised me in Virginia, where I was primarily trained to wait. Within this town is where they were trained to wait too. Where the unwritten rules of religion told us, “Do not become educated because you are waiting on Him. Do not tend to your household needs because He is coming soon. Do not worry about maintaining your health because where you are going, your health is already perfected. Wait on God to show up and make everything right and you shall be vindicated in all of your patience.”
You see, both of my parents were raised as Jehovah’s Witnesses and trained out of ambition, passion, inquisitive thought and free will. They were expected to be “good stewards” of the Word and preachers for the Kingdom by way of magazine sales and total number of doors knocked upon and reported monthly. They were not expected to be doctors, lawyers, teachers or anything that required time away from the rigorous schedule of a faithful Witness. The end times were upon us all and the world could end at any moment. There were countless meetings to attend and preparations to be made for said meetings in books that illustrated the death and destruction of Revelations and much to do about nothing in between. We were taught to wait to be saved and it created a bubble of time to be stuck within. I spent years attempting to heal from this foundational upbringing, not knowing how deeply it permeated every cell of our being. I knew it was a deep core wound that spread its roots out in several directions affecting how I engaged with relationships never really attaching, how I spent and didn’t save money, how I created victim stories to be saved from and how I shied away from wanting to be seen knowing I would never really have the right answers to anything. And in spending these past few months with my parents, watching them continue to wait in a home in desperate need of repair, in bodies that have been neglected for decades and in the dull sadness that lingers around them that if I had not stumbled into most of my successes in life, I would still be waiting too. Just like them. My life, I know, was designed by Divine Will, not free will. I had very little to do with it other than obedience to the rebel inside that refused to go out without a fight. I had no roadmap of what to do but what I did have was a burning desire for something more within me that could not be extinguished. It seemed that I or something else could will me into the right places at the right times. I really didn’t pursue goals but I did chase feelings. I listened to the people I thought could help me and went along for the ride of yeses that came with it. For decades this worked for me and I went with the flow until the water seemingly ran dry.
I lost everything and found myself back in my parents home in the same mental and emotional space I ran from. No ambition, no passion, no motivation to change my circumstances, no drive. It was as if the Divine said, STOP. You’ve been benched. Your circuits are fried. No more guiding inner voice or dialogue. And I was left clueless and lost. For five years, I kept struggling in every area of my life. I went from having all the money I needed and wanted, a beautiful home by a water canal, in walking distance of a nature reserve, the ability to travel the world at my leisure, wonderful friends, an amazing sex life and perfect health to $.41 in my bank account, no job and no prospects of one, disastrous and devastating friendship breakups, family squabbles that ended in no contact, a horrible narc/empath relationship (guess which one I was), and a 21 day stint in the hospital for some mystery illness that no one could really figure out. I was left reeling, unable to take full breaths or function as I was. My head was constantly pounding with unbelievable pressure headaches, I was gaining weight, my blood pressure was uncontrollable and I was deeply lonely. I was searching for answers when I didn’t even have the ability to formulate the right questions in the first place. And so I did the only thing I knew how to do. Wait.
Only this time, I waited not with the God I was taught about but with the one I knew about. I prayed. I fasted. I changed my diet and was a raw vegan for a while. I read every book I could to keep my mind focused on something other than my problems. I went from one house to another staying with friends and family, but it wasn’t until I spent time with my parents that I found the underlying belief that was the lynchpin keeping this sticky web alive, and it needed to go in order for me to move forward again. It was the one that proved it could never be outrun. The belief that starts like this…“I need to be saved and there is someone coming to save me and I need to create victimhood until they get here because I am a victim in need of rescuing and needing to be saved is a good thing because it shows you’re not taking up too much space. If you need to be saved, you’re safe because you are not a threat.”
When I started to unravel that core belief, a floodgate of emotions opened up and I realized that it is the real reason I played dumb when I knew the answers to something. I would pretend to not know and let the other person be the victor of the conversation. It was the reason I played small and never called out what I really wanted in life. Why put yourself out there knowing that you’re not really telling the full truth of what you REALLY want. It was the reason I kept choosing people who only ended up disappointing me because how could they succeed in an environment that was a landmine of intentional failure. It was easier to blame someone else in their non-doing, half-doing, try-doing, than to actually do it myself. It was the reason I downplayed my power because I didn’t want to be seen as powerful. An intelligent, black woman from the south with the ability to read energy, people, places and everything in between was not someone I thought was welcome in places where I could already tell I wasn’t without uttering a word. It seemed too dangerous a thing to be myself fully, so I did not. I chose to wait in my life too, it just showed up differently for me than it did my parents.
So knowing this… what does one do? What did I do to change this belief? How in God’s name did I shift this monstrosity?
And this is where the faucet began to drip again. It seemed I had struck the right chord and Divine Will showed up and I found a new modality, EFT tapping. I had known about it before but never really investigated it and found it again by scrolling on TikTok. I came across two women, Kelsey White & Demi Millbank who had scripts of words they would say as they tapped on certain spots of their bodies. I felt like the scripts were written just for me and I started repeating after them and tap, tap, tapping my way through video after video. The immediate yawns, tears and tingles in my body told me something was moving, so day after day, I tapped in front of the mirror, in the bed before sleeping, while waiting between appointments, sitting on the toilet, whenever the thought came to my head, I tapped. I never thought something so simple could have such a big impact but it did. The new belief that I was re-wiring into my system was that I was sovereign, a powerful being in charge of her own life who waited for no one to make anything happen. That I was not to blame for the things I had no control over. That I could choose differently now. That I was not out of time and I could heal my body. That I was deeply and inherently loved no matter what. And I am.
Since integrating this practice into my life, I have since moved into a beautiful new home, built a thriving coaching business and attracted aligned clients who not only see my value but honor me for it. I have made new friends and reconnected with some old ones who have also been through deep shifts since we last spoke and I also re-opened the door to love again. I am writing consistently, creating circles for women who blow my mind every time we meet and I have developed a new relationship with my body and my health. I healed a part of me that was waiting for the only person who could have saved me in the end. Me.
In some way, we are all waiting for ourselves to show up and save us from those deep wounds that only we know about. We are waiting for the light within us to shine so brightly that it illuminates the darkness in every crevice of our being. And when it is time, we do appear for ourselves with just the right medicine, at just the right time. We need only listen and allow the magic to happen.
If you’re interested in working with me, I can be reached at theartofwaking@gmail.com. There is one opening left for my mentorship program for 2026 and a new women’s group circle starting in March focused on the wisdom of the Goddess. I would love to have you if you feel called to the opportunity. Just shoot me an email.
xx, Laticia Diane